the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
