his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
