i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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