Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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