Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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