I don't usually arrange sex via text message
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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