Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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