New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize