I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
