I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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