So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
