I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize