My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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