Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
