I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
