And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
