Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
