Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
