So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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