Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
