Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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