The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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