dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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