I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
