I want to make a zoo with you.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
