Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
