This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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