woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
