It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
