cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
