he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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