I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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