direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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