I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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