no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize