I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
