I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
