First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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