So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
