my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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