I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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