matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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