my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
