Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
