Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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