The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize