There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
