so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
