i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
