Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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