I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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